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September 7th, 2005

02:49 pm - Bye...
If anyone actually still reads this,
I moved to Xanga.
Still guitargirl726.
Loved it while it lasted.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Something Like Silas

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June 6th, 2005

12:55 am - Take My Life
Today was a day of lightbulbs... you know, those moments when you suddenly come to the realization that you might actually know a solution to a situation and things just start connecting?! Well, yeah, so I'm standing up in church belting out the words to this song, and suddenly I realize that I'm just going through that motions, that I'm totally not really paying attention to what I'm singing. So I glance up and actually start reading the words on the screen as I'm singing them, instead of just mindlessly singing them by memory. This is what I read... "I see you, Lord, high and lifted up, seated on the throne of my life. And you are holy, you are holy, you are holy, seated on the throne of my life." Right then and there I was struck with the sudden realization that Jesus is not the one of the throne of my life; he is not my Lord right now. Not really at all, if I was being honest with myself. Lordship requires submission and surrender. You know... a "not my will, but your's be done," that sort of a thing. But standing there in a pew this morning, I realized that I was running my life. I want to do what I want to do. I want the center of my universe to be me and my needs and whether or not they are being met or not. I want to be loved and cherished and needed by others. I... I... I... I... I... Life is really all about me, if I'm willing to admit it. This morning was different though. Right there with my head bowed in humility and frustration, I told God what I really wanted out of life. I told him that I wanted him to be Lord. I said, "God, take my life, sit on the throne, and lead me wherever you want me to go. I don't want to be the sucky driver of my life, steering myself in all these self-seeking directions. Take my life and let it be yours. I surrender." That's what I did this morning. I gave God my life. Real control over it. Not this fake "You drive God, but I'll man the emergency brake" type of abandonment, but all of me. My past, present, and future. I'm finally realizing that the only way that I can deal with pain in my past is to give it to God. The only way I can make decisions in the present is to give them to God. And, the only way I can contol the unknown in the future is to give it up to God. He's the only one that can actually do it. I certainly can't. All I seem to do is screw things up, and I won't do it anymore. I'm sick of the fakeness game. God longs for a real, love relationship with me. I suck at accepting that. I think if only I were this or that, then God would love me more and that I would somehow be more worthy of his love. The problem is that I will never be worthy of his love. Never. I don't have to be though. He died so I can live, truly be alive and made new. I just have to accept. So that's what I did this morning. I gave it all to God. I abandoned that old, sucky way of living. I don't want to direct my life anymore. I suck at it. I fail miserably every time I think I have it all planned out just perfectly. I have to stop wanting everything to be about me because it isn't. It's about him, the one who died in my place and offers me eternal life with him even though I go against him all the time. I don't get it, but I really don't have to; I just have to accept it. That's all, accept the free gift. God, let my life be shaped by you. Make me new. I want to be transformed. I want you to make me whoever you want me to be. Help me to take the steps you lead me to. Help me to let go of the pain in my past and just run towards you with reckless abandonment. I want to be in love with you Jesus. Help me to to have that kind of relationship with you. Be seated on the throne of my life, and help me never to take back control. It's gotta be only about you God.
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
Current Music: Krystal Meyers

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May 11th, 2005

07:37 pm - I Miss You...
Wow, I'm so bored. I'm home; therefore, I'm bored. No, I don't want to be back doing more finals exams or anything. I just want to be back with friends. I know "poor baby" some might say, but I could really care less. I hate not having any friends around here. It's like the worst thing ever pretty much, and yes, I'm sure I could have so much worse problems, but for right now this is a really big thing for me. I don't want to spend my entire summer with my family when 9 out of 12 months I live in a dorm with my best friends. Seriously, next summer I will not be able to do it. I'm going to find something where I will be away from home and close to friends. Like that is going to happen. It's pretty much a definite no, but right night I don't care if it makes sense or not, I just want to wish that that time was here. I want to be an independent adult. I keep trying to tell my parents that I'm almost 20, and they were married by then and on and on and on, and they just don't get it. They are still telling me when to stop IMing my friends and that I can't do stuff on spring break that's too far away and that I can't drive an hour or 2 to see friends and that I have a week and a half vacation with them over the summer etc., etc., etc. It drives me crazy, and I don't have a car which makes it all worse. I need one of the darn things to have freedom. And I need to find a freakin' summer job to make money for a freakin' car so I can get away. Wow, now that isn't so fun. Gosh, seriously do you ever wish you had a genie who would grant you three wishes. Now, I know that sounds stupid, childish, and downright lame but seriously. I would wish... 1. To be a rockstar with super sweet guitar skills (mine could use a boost) then I wouldn't need money 'cause I'd be rich. 2. To live in a sweet house with all my friends. 3. To end world hunger... I'd want to do something big for humanity's sake. Has anyone but me ever thought about the whole genie thing?! If not, it's okay, you can think I'm crazy. Right now though, I prefer to be crazy than home and bored with no friends. I need a hug...
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Nothin'... that's depressing enough right there

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April 27th, 2005

01:49 am - One fine day... you're gonna want me for your girl
Right now, I am watching "One Fine Day" my favorite chick-flick ever. Why you ask?! Well, George Clooney is one of my favorite actors. I think he is so amazingly handsome, although he is a month older than my dad. Ahh... I just can't think about that. Anyway... and this movie has one of my favorite kissing scenes of all time in it. In a kitchen. I think if I had to choose the place to get my first kiss it would totally be in the pouring rain ideally, but if I had to choose a second best place, I would have to say a kitchen. Hmm... and why a kitchen? It is really random, but I just envision this... it would be so fun to be making dinner with my boyfriend, have a mini food fight, and then have him pull me close and kiss me. I saw that one on a movie or tv or something by the way. Lol. :) Wow, how did I get to where I would love my first kiss to be?! Randomness... I love it. Anyway... back to the movie with the thought that hopefully someday I will be in love with someone and he will be in love with me... someday.
Current Mood: giddygiddy
Current Music: "One Fine Day" ~The Chiffons

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April 18th, 2005

02:59 pm - Fun List
Ten random things about me:
1. Music is something I can't live without; I love playing my guitar and writing songs too
2. I really want a cello... and a Basset Hound which perhaps I could stow away in my dorm room somewhere
3. Coffee is pretty much my favorite thing ever
4. Every time I get a chance, I watch the sunset
5. I'm almost always up 'til at least 2 or 3am talking with Mandy; I wouldn't trade it :)
6. I really want my nose pierced
7. I want to live life in a big city- New York, LA, Toronto... who knows, but I'm goin
8. Wearing ties is my signature style
9. Tulips are my favorite flower
10. I want to get married at sunset on the beach in a grand satin dress after walking down a candle-lit
pathway with everyone barefoot... okay, enough with the details

Nine ways to win my heart:
1. Serenade me with a song written for me on guitar
2. Love coffee
3. Be really musical
4. Have great fashion sense... and no, I don't mean like stupid Abercrombie everything either, ugh
5. Watch the sunset and stargaze with me
6. Love concerts
7. Love me for who I am
8. Have high standards for life
9. Love Jesus more than anything

Eight things I want to do before I die:
1. Get married
2. Travel all over the world, especially to Europe
3. Open my own coffee shop
4. Own my own apartment in the city with hardwood floors and brick walls on the inside
5. Have a Basset Hound for a pet
6. Own a motorcycle
7. Learn to play cello and drums
8. Counsel hurting teens in the inner-city

Seven ways to annoy me:
1. Be fake
2. Be shallow
3. Talk about yourself constantly
4. Act as if you know it all
5. Act as if you like me, and then talk about me behind my back
6. Make fun of anyone different from you
7. Be a hypocrite/have a fake relationship with God

Six things I believe in:
1. God
2. Freedom through Jesus from hurts and struggles of life
3. Forgiveness
4. Hope
5. Authenticity
6. Friendship

Five things I am afraid of:
1. Dying young
2. Losing friends/family
3. Living alone
4. Deep water
5. Rape

Four favorite items in my room:
1. My guitar
2. My bed
3. Manhattan and Broadway & Clayton
4. Photos

Three things I do everyday:
1. Listen to music
2. Play my guitar
3. Laugh and cry

Two things I want to do right now:
1. Go outside 'cause it's an amazingly beautiful day
2. Talk with friends

One person I want to see right now:
1. My bestest buddy
Current Mood: gigglygiggly
Current Music: Liz Phair on "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton"

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April 16th, 2005

12:59 am - The Sun Will Come Out... Tomorrow
Dang, I haven't written in here in more than 2 weeks. I'm not sure what is up with me lately. Some parts of these past two weeks have been amazing, while yet some other parts have been hell. Well, not really I'm sure, but at times in the midst of the pain it has seemed that hell couldn't be too much worse. Some friends and I got a hall back for pranking us. We put dish soap all over their hall floor at 5 in the morning. Unfortunately, we didn't realize was a catostrophic mess that would cause. The custodial staff had to clean it up for 4 hours, and then they found out it was us, and we have to do some community service. Hah. We weren't trying to wreck anything, and they know that luckily. It doesn't really matter though; it was worth it, on one hand anyway. Tonight, I hung out will Melissa and some other girls from my hall last year. She is visiting from Ohio. It was so much fun. I love it because the friendship that I have with her doesn't just fade away. It picks up where it left off each time I see her. That is so awesome. We laugh at so many things when we are together. I love it so much. She is amazing, and engaged too. Yay. Well, my co-RA and I also have 3 of the 4 growth group leaders we need for next year. I really like all 3 of them, and I think the team will be amazing. I do wish that my best friend could be on my hall though; however, I know that she is where God wants her, and I admire her so much for choosing to not be with me. I never thought I'd say that, but it's true. She loves Jesus a whole lot, and that is so so awesome. I'm not sure I would have done the same. I was super bummed at first though. I had no idea what to say to her when she told me she hadn't picked my hall. We just sat in awkward, stunned silence. It was really really super hard at first 'cause it hurt me honestly, but then when she explained it, I knew it was the right thing. I am still a bit worried about our friendship and keeping it as awesomely close as it is now, but I know it'll work out if we want it too. We just have this unexplainable level of honesty, and we just seem to know the other's needs, even when they haven't been spoken. It's amazing. She will be in Alpha though and so will I, so we won't be like far apart or anything. I will just miss little things like knocking on her wall all of the time, talking in the lobby with her, and staying up late in her room talking and just being together 'til the early morning hours. I love those things so so so much, and I'm not sure I can live without them. I know that sounds like so over-dramatic or whatever, but we have the most amazing times together, and I don't just want those to slip away next year. She truly is my best friend, the best one ever, and I don't want that to ever change. A real bummer too is that a friend is leaving after this year and is not coming back. She can't stay for financial reasons 'cause Grace is a stinkin' rip off. (I love Grace so much, but it is scandalous what they charge us to attend here!) I totally did not get along with her at the beginning of the year. I thought that she was fake and had a wall up to keep people out. The thing is, now I have gotten to know the real person inside of her. She has been vulnerable, and her friendship means so much to me. She loves Jesus so much too, and she is just great. I am going to miss her so much next year. It makes me cry like all the time because of it. I don't want our friendship to just dissolve because she leaves, and I'm afraid it will. I will try not to let it though. Another thing is that I've just been dealing with some personal issues. There's some stuff in my life that God is working on, but it hurts a whole lot. I just want it to go away, but it is a struggle that isn't easily overcome. It's not something you just go around sharing either for fear of what people will think because you stuggle with this thing. I have talked with someone about it, and we are supposed to talk soon. I feel relieved in a way that I can share this struggle with someone, but at the same time it is also like now she knows and disclosing something that deep is scary and just plain hard. I know God can help me work through this though. He is and he will keep on if I let him and surrender. Abandonment and pursuit. Two things that come up continually in my life. My life themes I think. God, please help. I can't do this on my own. At all. Ever. I need you to raise me up above this struggle to where you are all that I see. So that you are my focus. So that you are all that I need. So that you are my master. That is my heart's cry.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: "Surrender" ~BarlowGirl (Amazing song- I so agree Mandy :)

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April 3rd, 2005

02:53 am - Dear Friend...
(Disclaimer: If this makes sense to you, then it's for you. And if not, then just ignore this entry. :)

My dear dear friend. I love you so much. Thank you for your kind words. They mean to me more than you'll ever know. I meant every single word of the song that I wrote for you. I don't always know exactly what you're going through or how to help or what to say, but I promise to always be by your side to just let you vent, weep, or be silent. You're right. This is what friendship is all about. Real, authentic, transparent friendship anyway. I'm glad we are able to be there for each other like we are, especially with the hard, heart-wrenching issues like this one. We have the most real, amazing friendship I have ever been a part of. You have taught me so much as well. Had I not met you, I would have never have experienced a friendship this deep, ever. I am confident of that. You have taught me how to let others really see me, no matter if I have it all together at the moment or if I am a mess. I can let others see my tears, fears, hopes, and dreams. That's what true friendship is. You have taught me how to let go, to really be me. You know me. The real me that likes to stay hidden from others. We have bared our souls to each other about many things, and there are no words to describe that bond and level of friendship. Every time I think of you, I cannot help but to thank God. You are a "soul mate friend." God totally knew how much we needed each other before we knew of each other's existence. Amazing! God, thank you so much for her. She has stretched me, encouraged me, and loved me like no one else has, and you knew we would be the best of friends before any of this. I love you, God, and thank you so much for her friendship and what she means to me. Thanks you for crossing our paths on this crazy journey through life. I know how much she has impacted me; continue to use her and her You-focused life to impact others in an awesome way. I am blessed to even know her, God, and it is all because of you.
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: "To my Audience of One..." ~Big Daddy Weave

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March 16th, 2005

12:15 am - Awareness of the Ordinary
Tonight, I am finally updating after 21 days of inactivity (that's 3 weeks I just realized... ding ding, where is my brain?!). I don't like having a quiescent (grab the dictionary or Word thesaurus for that one :) journal for that long. Anyway... I'm writing because of a conversation that really got me thinking. Well, a girl on our hall starting talking to me and a couple other girls because a friend of hers wrote her this really cynical e-mail that pretty much implies that he's thinking about committing suicide. This got me thinking about my experience with that whole issue in high school, and it dawned on me how truly lucky I am. I mean of course I thank God that I'm alive, and that he delivered me from that, but I've never really thought about the ramifications of if I had committed suicide by junior year. I wouldn't have experienced my easy, breezy, fun senior year. Or graduated with all the people I've known for forever. Or worked at camp and met all of the amazing people that I did. Or come to college and had a tough but amazing freshman year, and now as a sophomore an awesome year as a GGL. And what about all of the people I've met since my junior year?! Have I impacted their lives at all, and what if I hadn't been there to, and they just never knew someone named Meghan A.?! I seriously could not live without the awesome friends I have now, but what if I had chosen not to?! To end it all at the ripe old age of 16?! What then?! And what about all the people I come into contact with in the future?! That's part of the reason I think I so long to impact people. I want to live a life that isn't ordinary and American Dream-like. I want to live an outside-the-box, extraordinary life of service to Christ and others. My life cannot be anything less than that or it is purposeless and pointless. Which brings me to something else. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really doing all that much. Like I wanna be involved in ministry. Like real ministry too. Not ministry to other college students or ministry once every other week someplace. But ministry as in full-time ministry helping and impacting others. I really cannot just sit around and do nothing significant every day for my whole college experience. I know I am learning and acquiring skills for my someday profession, but I feel like such a waste just sitting here at times. I'm a GGL, and I know that I have impact with the girls on my hall, but sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. So, I'm going to be an RA next year. More ministry. That'll be awesome, and I will give it my all with God's help. But the thing is that my biggest passion is for hurting, vulnerable, got-the-raw-end-of-the-life-deal people. Especially in the inner city. I love helping those that need it the most. The kinda that need physical, spiritual, emotional, and all of the other kinds of help. The people who are actually needy. The people who have no where else to turn but to Jesus because they have seen and gone through so much crap in their lives. And the people who, once they know Jesus, run after him with a reckless abandon because they know that he is their only hope. I want to desperately to be ministering to those type of people right now. I know my degree is preparing me, but I want to be in that ministry of reconciling the hurting to their lover and pursuer Jesus. That is what I want to live for and what I will live for. A life of real relationship with the Holy of Holies and in selfless, give-it-my-everything service to the broken because he is the healer. My missions trips to inner city Toronto shaped me and have made me see what desperation and hopelessness there is in the world. And it exists right here in the U.S., and we rarely see it. Or actually is it the fact that we rarely look for and are concerned about it?! I think it is most certainly the latter. And I think we need to get our priorities straight. Instead of making our lives all warm and fuzzy and comfortable and happy why don't we look around and see the brokenness of the world all around us. Just in Toronto I saw child prostitution, homelessness, drug and alcohol addiction, abuse, poverty, and so much more. We need to open our eyes and get a clue and get a heart for the hurting. And if we profess Jesus and choose not to, we are hypocrites. If we are content to sit around and look the other direction while people fall to pieces and are trampled under the feet of our narcissistic society, then we are nothing more than liars. We cannot proclaim the love of Jesus unless we are servants. We look most like him when we serve. Loving God and serving others go hand in hand. James says that true relationship that God accepts as pure and faultless is if we look after the homeless, the fatherless, the hurting. That should tell us something, but do we let it?!
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Coke machine's hum and watch's tick

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February 23rd, 2005

01:44 am - What Is The Meaning of Life Anyway?!

M is for Musical
E is for Edgy
G is for Genius
H is for Hilarious
A is for Abstract
N is for Nutty

Current Mood: enthralledenthralled
Current Music: "Reason" ~Hoobastank

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February 22nd, 2005

03:47 pm - Quiz Addiction
You are Abstract Random! You're so sensitive and
compassionate, that others find you a wonderful
support. You're very idealistic and flexible to
most anything. Sometimes people say you're
unpredictable, but you don't mind. You just go
with the flow of life. You learn best with lots
of ideas to play with but no requirements for

Learning Styles
brought to you by Quizilla

You are mountains.
You are mountains.

What Part of Nature Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are an iris.
You are an Iris.

Which Kind of Flower Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: The Benjamin Gate

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